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BLIND LEADING THE BLIND- Getting your stolen wallet and phone back

Mediterraneo Hotel was the place to be seen for all the affluent Dar es Salaamites, ex-pats, well off locals, and a few ladies of the night who could afford the $20 entrance fee in the hope of a decent return on investment. As the morning sun rays were just making their scheduled appearance and there were absolutely no prospects of getting laid(without paying), it was probably time to go home. This one was like all the full moon extravaganzas on the Indian Ocean others before it, mostly spent trying to make eye contact with the bar staff.

MILLION DOLLAR CHASE – How to lose millions and get it back (minus your dignity)

One job. You cant fuck this up. Not even me. It was a simple job for a simple man. Transport a document from A to B. That was it. No catches. Worth only $19 million mind you, but I was trying my hardest not to think about that. As far as I was concerned, all I had to do was escort a document a few thousand miles across the world. Usually, you would use a service like DHL, but this was worth too much to let those certified muppets anywhere near it. Anyhow, the glove fit as well as OJs or about as well as the extremely small promotional condoms ordered from China for the African market, oops, a few thousand wasted units along with a few thousand unplanned babies (sorry god). Forgetful, unpunctual, disorganised, ADHD positive individual who resides in the outer galaxies. You’re hired.

FAT KID DEANGELO BAILEY- Fighting back against the bullies

My parents had fucking stitched me up. How could they be so selfish, lose their money on unlucky business decisions(airplanes, farms, cotton, tyres, ice-pops, metal gating) and force me to move back to go to a normal state school 2000 miles away in fucking England? At least I knew where I stood in the family chain: first from the bottom. I was a little disheartened but mainly daunted to see what urinal water tasted like. The extremely privileged chauffeur-driven life of international school kid id taken for granted for so long had suddenly vanished. This fucking sucked. Maybe I could just blend into the background.

ENEMY OF THE STATE – HOW TO PAY BRIBES IN TANZANIA

How to avoid paying bribes when dealing with police officers in Tanzania.

International Drug Smuggling 101

Cruising at a wholly unnatural speed to Luton airport didn’t feel right, no agitation, no constantly checking the clock and google maps, no imaginary thoughts of strangling the taxi driver because he’s not driving fast enough. Arriving at the airport 90 mins before departure time was an alien-like concept, for once, I hadn’t left everything to the very last minute. Unfortunately didn’t have my Oscar ‘thank you’ speech prepared but a fucking momentous occasion to say the absolute least.

O GOD, WHERE ART THOU?-How to Prove the undeniable existence of higher beings

The inevitable result of repeated sub-par decisions had stockpiled like a blocked sewage pipe ready to burst a ginormous shower of turd so majestically over 5 years of University fees. Fuck all to show my parents for their investment in my future. One hundred thousand pounds spunked up the royal wall. They say an Indian invented the number zero, now I understood why.